


The Gay (Re)Awakening of James Barnes

by Momentsofbeing



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Captain America Steve Rogers, Coming Out, Domestic Avengers, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gay Bucky Barnes, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:21:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26560564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momentsofbeing/pseuds/Momentsofbeing
Summary: The Asset - James - is figuring out who he used to be, and that includes his sexuality. But how can he separate that from the homophobia and abuse he suffered at the hands of Hydra? And how will his teammates react when they find out his secret?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Avengers Team, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Male Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In this story Steve and Bucky never knew each other growing up.
> 
> TW: General trigger warnings for the usual Winter Soldier stuff, as well as homophobia (internalised, mostly). There's allusions to past sexual assault, especially in the very first paragraph, but its not explicitly described. Also Bucky has a serious eating disorder, which is described but is not the focal point of this story.
> 
> Would love any comments or feedback!

_***_

Even when he couldn’t remember his own name, the Asset knew that he was attracted to men.

They never let him forget it. Once they found out, they called him new names and the punishments grew worse. Sometimes they went beyond protocol in what they did to him, and they told him they knew he liked it, because he was a f**. Sometimes he got hard when they did these things to him. He hated that most of all, because it meant that he liked men, and that meant all the names they called him were true.

He couldn’t remember lots of things, but he could remember how they first found out.

It had been an unusual mission – in order to attract as little attention as possible, the Asset had to seduce the target and lure them away to a secret location. The target was a woman. The Asset succeeded at the initial seduction by pretending to be a human man who wanted to have sex with her. He had been washed carefully and dressed in a suit and the team had wolf-whistled when they saw him. However, the seduction fell apart once he was alone with the target. There was too much time remaining. The woman was very enthusiastic, but the Asset’s body did not respond. Then the woman was affronted and the Asset had to kill her early to shut her up.

Although he had killed his target, it was not a successful mission. His handlers were not pleased.

But they still might not have realised if he hadn’t been sent on a similar mission just a week later. This time the target was a man. His handlers did not think he would succeed at seducing the man, so there were back-up plans in place. But the Asset did, and this time his body responded. The target wanted to kiss and touch the Asset and the Asset wanted this too. The man was very attractive, tall and blond with broad shoulders and rough stubble on his face. The Asset almost became distracted from his mission when the man fell to his knees and took the Asset into his mouth.

Of course, the Asset still killed the man. But there were a few minutes before the kill where he gave himself over to pleasure. And somehow his handlers knew.

_***_

James (formerly the Asset) had not told anyone at the Tower, where he now lived, that he liked men. Usually he told people things when they asked. This made them trust him more and see him as less of a threat. But the few times anyone had brought up his romantic life or interests, he had refused to respond.

He knew that the Black Widow must have noticed. She noticed everything. He could not harbour a secret without her somehow knowing it, or at least suspecting. But if she knew he liked men, she must not have told anyone else in the Tower, or something bad would have happened by now.

He had been living at the Tower for almost a year when it finally came up.

James was sat in the communal room drinking a cup of black coffee. He liked black coffee. He still did not like food, in general, but the team liked it when he sat with them every morning while they ate breakfast. Everyone ate at slightly different times. Today James was joined by the Falcon, Hawkeye and the Captain.

James liked it when the Captain was around. He was kind and serious and James enjoyed looking at him. He was glad that the Black Widow was not around today. She always looked at him looking at the Captain, and that made him feel uneasy and embarrassed.

The other reason James liked the Captain was that the Captain ate a huge amount of food. James had been told that ideally he needed to eat as much food as the Captain. James did not think it would ever be possible for him to eat that much food. Food had been very hard for James during the first six months of living in the Tower. He had been hospitalised and fed intravenously every time the team noticed how little he was eating, or when his body stopped functioning (although it took a lot of not eating for that to happen, because he was a supersoldier). James hated being in the hospital, even if it was still in Stark Tower, but at that time he had hated eating even more.

Now they had reached a happy medium, as far as James was concerned. James had to be in the communal room during every mealtime, so the team could keep an eye on him. During mealtimes James ate as little as possible but enough to stay functional. This meant that he only went to the hospital occasionally. James liked this arrangement much more, especially when the Captain was there at the same time. He found it relaxing to watch the Captain eat a huge amount of food while he himself drank nothing but black coffee. He did not know why.

The Captain caught James looking at him and smiled kindly. He offered James the plate of toast which he had just taken five slices of. James was about to refuse but toast was a better food than some other foods. If he did not eat now, then someone on the team would try to get him to eat later, and there might not be toast then.

James took a piece of toast and the Captain beamed at him. James found himself smiling back. 

James slowly added peanut butter to his toast. Peanut butter was also a better food and contained calories which, James had been informed, he needed. The Captain looked happy as he watched this.

“So, Cap, thought any more about that blind date Nat suggested?” Hawkeye’s voice drew the Captain’s attention away and James scowled.

The Captain went bright red. “I’m too busy right now to date, Clint.”

Hawkeye noticed James watching them.

“How about you, Winter – I mean, James?” James was a new name. Old, but new. Some of the others still slipped and went to call him ‘Winter’ or ‘Soldier’, which was what they had called him before he'd remembered his old-new name.

James levelled his best empty stare at Hawkeye. Usually people stopped talking to him when he did that.

But Hawkeye did not seem remotely phased and continued to ramble. “Did you do much dating back in the 30s? I bet you did, a handsome guy like you. Bet the ladies were queueing round the block.”

The Captain was having some sort of coughing fit and for a moment James was worried, but it did not sound dangerous. He continued to eat his toast, unsure how to respond. He did not know if ladies had been queueing round the block. He did not remember.

“I don’t remember,” he said out loud and Hawkeye looked guilty. Now all three of them were giving him sad-eye looks. They were the same sad-eyed looks that they gave him whenever he alluded to what had been done to him when he was the Winter Soldier, or whenever they visited him in the hospital because he'd stopped eating again.

James didn’t want the Captain to look like that. He wanted him to look happy again. Sometimes if he kept talking and remembered things it made people happy. He racked his brains and found the traces of a memory. He remembered a gorgeous smile and dark eyes.

“I remember a date… we went to Coney Island. We had cotton candy on the pier after dark and when everyone was gone we took off our clothes and jumped into the sea. And we went on the wheel. I kissed him at the top where no one could see us. And I won a stuffed bear at the shooting stand. That was the first time I realised I could shoot. It was just before I joined the army.” He’d said a lot. But it was nice to remember, actually. He rarely remembered such nice things.

He looked up to see the Captain, Falcon and Hawkeye staring at him with expressions of surprise and confusion. The Falcon was the first to change his face into something that looked supportive, but by that time James realised in horror what he had said. He’d said ‘him’. 'I kissed him'.

“James, wait -” the Captain started but James was out of his seat and out of the room before he could finish. Out in the corridor he silently lifted himself up into the air vent, Hawkeye’s favourite hiding place. He would be able to hear what they were saying, echoing through the vents. He had to know how bad the damage was. He had to know if he needed to leave the tower. He army-crawled till he was over the communal room and could see in through the tiny gaps in the vent.

The Captain had followed him into the corridor but he was too slow to see James disappear into the air vent, so he returned to the room after a moment.

“Did the Winter Soldier just come out as gay?” Hawkeye asked, blinking in shock.

James shuddered. ‘Gay’ wasn’t as bad as the other words his handlers had shouted at him, but it still meant the same thing.

“I guess so,” said the Falcon. He didn’t look shocked now, just thoughtful. “Although we probably shouldn't assume anything. And he could be bisexual.”

“That concept wasn’t exactly well known back in the 30s,” said the Captain. He looked tired. “To be honest, I don’t know if you’d risk going with a man if you liked dames too.”

“Is this speaking from experience, Cap?” asked Hawkeye teasingly.

The Captain rolled his eyes. “I didn’t really go with anyone back then. Didn't think they'd want me before the serum. But I didn’t realise I was bisexual back then, anyway. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to date men. I mean, it was illegal.”

“He’s never had it easy, has he,” commented Hawkeye, looking kind of sad.

James lay back and looked at the top of the vent as he tried to figure out what this all meant. None of them sounded mad, which was confusing. But he knew from past experience that just because someone didn't sound mad, it didn't mean they weren't.

What was confusing him in particular though, was what the Captain had said. James decided to go and look up the word 'bisexual'. He imagined it was something that had no doubt been covered in the 'Welcome to the 21st century' guide that Director Fury had made him read when he'd first come to stay in the tower. Unfortunately, he'd been in such a state back then that he barely registered anything and almost nothing he'd read had stuck with him.

Either way, hiding in his room to research was no doubt as good a use of his time as any, since there was no way he would risk facing the wrath of his teammates anytime soon. Not until he had acquired more information which could help him anticipate what their response might be. And, most importantly, whether he would still be safe and accepted in the Tower.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky have a conversation, and Steve has a realisation.

***

Steve was worried about James. He had disappeared after their breakfast and no one had seen him since. Steve even asked Jarvis, but all Jarvis would confirm was that James was still in the building.

Steve figured it was most likely that James was still in his room and didn’t want to intrude on his privacy. But when it got to dinnertime and they still hadn’t seen him, he caught Sam and Clint exchanging worried looks.

“What is it?” Natasha demanded, who wasn’t even near them at the table. “What was that look?”

Clint looked awkward. Sam shrugged at Steve. Natasha’s eyes flew to Steve, who tried not to look guilty.

“We were just wondering where James is,” Sam said, trying to sound casual. “It’s been a while since he missed a meal.”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed. “Did something happen?”

_Depends if you consider a terrifying, deeply traumatised assassin who grew up in the 1930s admitting he was gay to count as ‘something’_ , thought Steve. What he actually said was, “nothing bad.”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed further. “Define ‘nothing bad’.”

Steve wriggled uncomfortably. He didn’t think James had meant to come out to them and he definitely didn’t want to cause further damage by telling the rest of the team.

But, on the other hand, Natasha was absolutely terrifying and weirdly protective of the Winter Soldier.

Steve opened his mouth, but Sam got there first. “It’s not really our business to tell.”

It looked like Sam was a braver man than Steve. But Natasha didn’t look annoyed. Her eyes flashed knowingly. “You’d better not have upset him.”

“We didn’t!” protested Clint. Natasha just raised her eyebrows disbelievingly and went back to eating her dinner.

After he had wolfed his food down, Steve pushed back his chair and stood up.

“I’m going to check on him,” he told Sam and Clint, trying to sound casual. Natasha gave him a look which clearly said _if you stress him out in any way, I will kill you in your sleep._

Steve acknowledged her with a nod and left the room.

James’s floor was just above his own, but they rarely saw each other outside of the communal spaces. Steve had spent quite a bit of time helping the Winter Soldier settle in when he had arrived (and finally been discharged from the medical bay). However, once he’d seemed to be managing better, Steve had been conscious of letting the man have his space and privacy, so it must have been months since he was last in here.

He knocked at the door of James’s apartment. After a few minutes, the door opened hesitantly and James stood there, completely naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist. Steve felt his face heat up as he took in James’s bare shoulders and chest, corded ropes of muscle and strength beneath the surface. Bones which had once been too prominent were now just visible and defined by firm muscles, and his hip bones formed a sexy V, highlighting a trail of dark hair. White and red scars criss-crossed his body, concentrated around his metal shoulder. Water droplets shimmered across his skin. His hair was scooped up in a bun on the top of his head, revealing his face much more than when he wore it down. His cheekbones, jawline, the cleft in his chin _,_ were sharp and oddly elegant, in a masculine way. Steve suddenly realised he was just staring silently at James.

James’s beautiful grey eyes were watching Steve patiently.

“I – I’m sorry!” Steve managed to say, feeling flustered.

“That’s okay,” said James politely, not acknowledging Steve’s weird reaction. “I was just in the shower.”

Steve had a vivid recollection: back when the Winter Soldier had first arrived at the Tower, he had not found anything weird about stripping off all his clothes whenever necessary, regardless of who was in the room with him. It had taken a while to make him aware of the importance of privacy and all the Avengers had had quite an eyeful at various points, Steve more than most.

But back then Steve had been more concerned than anything else about how underweight the Winter Soldier had been. He looked great now. Healthy and strong. And naked. Very naked.

Steve forced himself to register what James had just said.

“Oh, sorry!” said Steve. “I’ll come back in a bit, if you want.” He didn’t want.

James cocked his head to one side as if considering something.

“You could come in and wait?”

Steve nodded and tried not to look too eager as he followed James inside. 

James disappeared into his bedroom to get changed. Steve sat on the couch and had a look around. The apartment was just like his in its layout, but whereas both were ‘modern’ in terms of the clean white surfaces and large open spaces, there were some key differences. Here, fluffy blankets, pillows and cushions covered every available inch of sofa and armchair. There were a ton of books lovingly arranged on the wall shelves, all sorts of different genres, as far as Steve could see when he moved closer. There were several large potted plants in various corners and on shelves, all of which looked loved and well cared for. And instead of a TV the wall was covered in old framed maps and photographs of 1930s Brooklyn and New York.

Steve felt oddly guilty. James had clearly really tried to make his apartment a home, whereas Steve barely bothered with his own. He also felt bad that he hadn’t been to see James recently, that he’d just assumed the man would want space.

James appeared silently before Steve, dressed in sweatpants and a cosy-looking bright red hoodie, his feet covered in fluffy grey socks. His grey eyes assessed Steve calmly as Steve tried not to show his surprise. He mainly saw the man in tac gear or the jeans-and-tshirt combo he wore to meals with them – he’d never seen him looking so comfy. Or wearing a colour other than black.

James climbed gracefully onto the armchair opposite Steve and perched on top of the five or six cushions, legs tucked underneath him. He looked at Steve questioningly.

Oh right, Steve hadn’t said why he had come here.

“Umm… We missed you at dinner,” he started, brightly. The Winter Soldier gave him one of his unreadable looks. Okay, maybe less of the small talk then.

“I came to check if you were okay after our conversation earlier,” said Steve, bluntly. James tensed but hid it quickly – Steve would not have spotted it if he hadn’t been watching him closely. But James didn’t say anything so Steve continued. He felt a little like he was talking to himself because James was so still and silent.

“I understand that it was probably pretty scary for you, to come – to share that bit of your life with us,” Steve began, feeling like he was making a mess of this. “But this world isn’t like it was when we grew up.” An acknowledgement of their shared life experience. “It’s far more accepting and understanding, and all sorts of things aren’t a big deal nowadays. And no one here in the Tower would make a deal about anything or… or not accept someone.”

James was still staring in that unnerving, blank way. Steve decided he would just take the plunge.

“I’m bisexual,” said Steve.

“I know,” said James. Steve must have looked surprised because James carried on, “I read about it on the internet.”

Steve had forgotten how much of a big deal the internet and general public had made when he first came out. He had tried to avoid the countless news articles, with the exception of the one Tony had sent him, which talked about the significance of Captain America coming out for LGBTQ people everywhere. Steve didn’t really agree with the article – his own coming out had been held up alongside the Stonewall riots in terms of significant events – but he took it as Tony’s way of showing support. It turned out that the reaction on the internet had, in general, been pretty positive, though Steve suspected Jarvis might have removed some of the vitriol when he finally did decide to check the internet himself. So there was a good chance that what James had read had been positive. He really hoped so.

“I didn’t know what bisexual meant,” said James. “But I looked it up. There’s a lot of new words for things.” Well, Steve definitely agreed with that. He’d found it almost overwhelming – and oddly emotional – when he’d found out just how many definitions and ways of understanding people there now were.

“Yes, there is,” Steve agreed. “I didn’t even know there was a word for me… for how I feel, until I found it on the internet.”

James cocked his side to one side which meant he wanted to ask something.

“Have you dated… a man?” he asked softly, then flinched as if he expected Steve to be angry with him.

James still occasionally reacted to people as if he thought they might hit him, and Steve hated it. He took the question in his stride, hoping to make it clear that James hadn’t done anything wrong by asking.

“Yeah, I’ve been on a few dates with men, in this century I mean. Dating is… kind of different now. People are much more… up front about what they want.” Steve grimaced, thinking about the date with the guy who refused to take the hint that no, he didn’t just want a quick shag in the restaurant bathroom.

Now James looked confused.

“You know…” Steve continued with the distinct sense that he was digging himself into a hole. “People just wanting to have sex… ‘hook ups’, they call it now. Grindr, and stuff?”

Oh sweet Jesus, now he was going to have to explain Grindr. To the Winter Soldier. Why had he done this to himself?

James looked thoroughly unphased by the turn the conversation had taken, merely curious, perched on his cushions, waiting for Steve to continue. Steve was pretty sure he was bright red.

“You know what Grindr is?” Steve asked. James shook his head. “It’s like a dating app… for gay men. Well, for men who want to have sex with other men. It’s just meeting up for that though, really. There’s not a lot of dating involved.”

James snorted. They both looked surprised.

“Back in our day there were bars for that sort of thing,” James said, then looked even more surprised at himself.

Steve burst out laughing.

“Yeah, there definitely were,” Steve said, thinking of the bars near his old flat in Brooklyn. He’d never dared go in any, but even back then, way back before his Big Bisexual Awakening, he’d always been strangely interested in the people who came and went. Men dressed as women, women dressed as men. Men kissing, pressing each other up against the wall of the alley directly opposite Steve’s window.

So once upon a time James had been in those sorts of bars, bizarre as it seemed. They’d both grown up in Brooklyn around the same time – another weird bit of shared history that he probably hadn’t made enough use of in cultivating their friendship - maybe he’d even caught a glimpse of James once? Steve had seen pictures of pre-Winter Soldier James when they finally managed to recover his Hydra file. The young Sergeant Barnes had been a very attractive man, fresh-faced and happy with a confident smile. Surely he would have been well received by the other young men in those Brooklyn bars.

James still was attractive, of course. The image of him in the doorway, the drops across his chest, rose unbidden to Steve’s mind. But James was so different from his previous self that it was like comparing chalk and cheese.

This James, with his long hair still tied back and his cheekbones sharp, was watching Steve intently. The Winter Soldier had always looked at Steve, ever since they first met. Steve didn’t mind. It made him blush, though, sometimes, for reasons he could never name.

“Did you go in bars like that?” Steve blurted. He could have kicked himself when James tensed and blinked rapidly.

“I don’t exactly… remember,” he muttered quietly. “I guess I must have… but I don’t know. I don’t know why I said that.” There was an awkward pause while Steve racked his brains desperately for a remedy for his blunder.

“Is that something you would want to do again now, go out and meet new people…?” Steve asked. James raised one eyebrow and Steve suddenly realised it sounded like he was asking if James wanted a one-night stand.

“I mean dating!” Steve squeaked. “Or, the other, too, I suppose, I mean whatever you feel comfortable with, but I didn’t mean to ask you about that! Fuck…”

He trailed off his rambling to realise that James was laughing. Steve didn’t know if he’d ever seen James laugh. It was a wonderful sight. James laughed with his whole body and his head thrown back. Some of his hair slipped from the bun and fell in tendrils round his face.

Oh god.

Steve was fucked. Royally screwed.

He had a crush on the Winter Soldier.

“I couldn’t go on a date,” said James once he finished laughing. “I’m the Winter Soldier. Who would want to date me?”

Steve looked serious.

“You definitely could go on a date, if you wanted to,” he said, trying and failing to hide his earnestness. “You’ve done so well, overcome so much. Anyone would be lucky to date you! And you’re not the Winter Soldier anymore. You’re James.”

“Bucky,” said James. “I think they used to call me Bucky. A nickname, from my middle name I guess. I only remembered it a few days ago.”

Steve felt a deep pang of something at this.

“Did you want us to start using that? Me and the team?”

James looked a little shy, blushing for the first time.

“I think… yeah, that would be good. Thanks, Steve.”

It was the first time the ~~Winter Soldier~~ _Bucky_ had called him by his first name and not ‘Captain Rogers’ or something similar. Steve liked the sound of his name coming from those lips.

Oh god. He had it bad. This was definitely going to be a problem.

***

James had had a very productive day.

He’d spent almost six hours reading about LGBTQIA issues, history and identities. After the first hour, he noticed a warm feeling in his chest, which remained there for the duration. It wasn’t unpleasant, or uncomfortable. It was a bit like the feeling he had when he remembered that the people in the Tower cared about him. After the fourth hour, he realised there were tears running down his face, except he didn’t feel sad, he felt happy.

By the time he finished, he’d decided that he probably wasn’t going to get kicked out of the Tower. In fact, this world seemed very accepting in general. He had come across some negativity, of course. But even this was reassuring, because it went against the norm and because there were so many people out there on the Internet who were prepared to criticise those people and stand up for LGBTQIA people.

And that included him. He was one of the LGBTQIA community. He particularly liked the ‘community’ part.

He, Bucky, was gay. A gay man. And that was okay now.

(There was that name again! He’d remembered his old nickname a couple of days ago, but it was going to take a while to get used to.)

After he had finished his research, he had taken a shower, and then the Captain had come and talked to him. James had enjoyed his conversation with the Captain a lot. The Captain was funny and kind, and they were alike in some ways.

Not in any important ways, of course. The Captain wasn’t fucked up like James. But they had both grown up in Brooklyn in the 1930s, they both lived in the Tower now, and they were both part of the LGBTQIA community (James had learnt the acronym carefully).

James’ realisation that he probably wasn’t going to get kicked out of the Tower was based partly on the fact that the Captain hadn’t been, despite being bisexual. In fact, he led the Avengers.

_You’re not like him though_ , the nasty voice in James’ head commented, _he’s not disgusting. HYDRA never did bad things to the Captain. He’s not fucked up like you are._

James hated it when he heard that voice. His therapist told him that he needed to challenge the voice when it appeared, but he wasn’t sure how to challenge this, when what the voice was saying was clearly true.

James burrowed under the blanket. The Captain had just left, saying that they were having a film night and would James like to join them after he’d had some dinner?

James had agreed, because he was feeling good after their conversation, and said he would come down once he was changed. But now he wanted to stay here on the armchair and never move.

When the Captain had mentioned dating, James had started to wonder if that was something he could do now. He was able to leave the Tower on his own, though he rarely did. Could he bring himself to go out on his own and meet another person?

It felt impossible. But James remembered what the Captain had said. _Anyone would be lucky to date you._

Bucky didn’t know if he believed that, though he didn’t think the Captain would lie to him. But it felt a little less impossible now that the Captain said those words.


End file.
